News flash to parents: If your relationship with your teen isn’t what you want—YOU can change it. You are the parent. You’ve been designing and creating this relationship since the day your child showed up.
You’re the one who must make the first move by changing yourself. I know—that probably isn’t what you want to hear. But if you truly want a better relationship with your child, it’s necessary to do a bit of soul searching.
As a parent, you already know teens are stereotyped as moody, unpredictable, disrespectful, and self-centered. This is hard wired into their physiology, and parents should expect struggles and frustration.
Professional counselors Molly Wingate and Marti Woodward disagree. “We believe the relationship between parents and teens can be terrific. We see the teenage years as ripe with opportunities for building close family relationships.”
Slow Parenting is what Wingate and Woodward call their parenting method. It’s all about planning ahead, building trust, and looking at the larger picture. Fast parenting is reactive and motivated by anxiety. Fast parents believe they have the answer in every situation and rarely, if ever, admit their mistakes. Slow parenting encourages parents to think differently about their roles. Here’s a typical scenario as sixteen-year-old Sarah takes the family car for the first time:
Sarah: “I’m going to Jane’s house.”
Mom: “Be home before dark and call me when you get there. Remember, no texting, no phone calls, no one else in the car with you. No loud music, and fasten your seat belt. Are you going on the highway?”
Sarah: “No, I’m driving on back streets.”
Mom: “Good, I’m just worried about you. You aren’t ready for the highway yet.”
Mom: “I’m happy for you! This is cool. Off you go in a car by yourself for the first time.”
Sarah: “Mom, you’re such a dork! I’m just going to Jane’s house.”
Mom: “When do you think you’ll be back?”
Sarah: “In an hour or so.”
Mom: “Have fun.”
Sarah: “Thanks, Mom.”“The big difference between the fast and slow parenting versions of this conversation is the level of trust. We don’t mean trust regarding the teen’s behavior, but trust in the teen’s judgment.” — Marti Woodward and Molly Wingate
Here’s a common question: “If I’m busy trying to be a friend to my child, what happens to discipline?”
With slow parenting, limits and punishments are thought out, deliberate, and build your relationship. Wingate and Woodward offer the following tips:
Everything that happens between you and your teenager can either strengthen or damage your relationship. You get to choose. You’re the grown up. Take responsibility for your own fears, create a safe place for your teen, and use these five attitudes as guides for being a slow parent:
